Lost In Tangent

There are a ton of homeless people in downtown Seattle, so I expect to get hit up a couple times every time I walk anywhere near my apartment. The funny part is that each person has a different “intro” where they try to make the confrontation seem like a friendly/random encounter. Two people that just happened to cross paths in the same dingy back alley of a major metropolitan city. If that’s not fate then I don’t know what is!

As I was walking to the grocery store this evening I was blessed with the opportunity to have a homeless man provide his security services for me. What do I mean by that? Well I was simply walking down the street, minding my own business, and this dude comes out of nowhere and just starts walking alongside me, making small talk. Eventually he tells me that it isn’t safe at night for a “young kid” like myself, and he wants to make sure I get to my destination in one piece. I couldn’t believe my eyes, I had somehow stumbled upon the most selfless vagabond of all time. While other folks in his same situation are out begging for cigarette money, this guy is looking out for the well being of innocent bystanders.

We get to the store (the fact that I had to write “we” there gives me the creeps), and I’m about to bid him farewell, as his lets me know he’ll be waiting outside until I come out. What a gentleman! Apparently chivalry isn’t dead. I finish my shopping and exit the store, pleasantly greeted by my knight in dirty sackcloth. He proceeds to “escort” me back to my apartment, asking me if I have a girlfriend, and if not, would I like him to get me one. As appealing as his offer sounded, I let him know I’m happy with my ongoing streak of not catching an STD, so I was going to have to pass.

I realized this little charade was going to go on for as long as I kept walking, so I noticed a video store up ahead and decided to cut this chit chat short. As I’m walking into the store I’m telling him to take it easy, and thinking how horribly awkward this entire experience has been. All of a sudden, right when I think I’m off the hook, he throws out the “Hey man, could I snag a couple bucks from you for some smokes”. What?! You mean this man’s motives for tagging along with me this whole time weren’t based on neighborly concern? My faith in humanity is now completely lost…

Experiences like this make you really appreciate the homeless people that just cut to the chase and ask you for money. The next time someone on the streets hits you up for cash, tell them thank you for being forward about what they really want, instead of following you around for 30 minutes.

I must admit I love having stories like this. I’m not sure why but I seem to attract odd scenarios